There has been a handful of times where I’ve sat in front of my laptop,
as I am doing now,
to share with you and catch up on where (and how) the fuck I’ve been since motherhood completely took my life over.
But every time I sit, I end up with what appears more like a diary entry from someone who has been waiting to exhale. Turns out, all that previous writing was for me.
So, here I am writing once again, 7 months after the birth of my brilliant, beautiful, sweet baby Ofelia… I know, this time is different!
My ultra supportive husband is somewhere in our apartment, being super dad with our girl, as I sit holed up in our bedroom, munching away on a delicious pink lady apple, and sipping on a hot cuppa coffee…
OH MY GOSH!
I just realized I am calmly sipping my coffee. While it’s hot.
Not having to reheat it or say, “Fuck it I’ll drink it cold”.
Since having my baby, I swear to you, I have not been able to finish a hot cup of coffee, much less totally enjoy it!
I love coffee!
The first few sips in the morning have always felt like a sweet little ritual held sacred between my lips and my cup. Inhaling the aroma as I oversee all that surrounds me.
I’m suddenly overcome with immense gratitude – so much it’s bringing tears to my eyes!
Oh how I’ve missed my sacred coffee mornings…
You see, like most mothers-I’m sure, as soon as my baby transitioned earth side, I immediately gave her all of me. So much, I lost myself. I forgot who I was and how to be with anyone else – including my husband. Then I realized. I can’t be who I was before, because who I was before was definitely not a Mama, and let me tell you, being someones mama is no fucking joke. That is as real as any shit can ever get – EVER! It’s everything your senses can ever experience – AMPLIFIED!
That means EXTREME worry & fear combined with sudden shifts of EXTREME happiness & love that no matter what you’re feeling you find yourself constantly crying.
Like all the time.
Hence getting teary eyed at realizing that I am actually enjoying my entire cup of coffee this morning… I cry alllllllll the time now. I love it. I feel more vulnerable sure, but I also feel more real. Like fuck it, I had a baby and I am not afraid to say how fucking scared I was bringing her home and how emotionally raw the experience has left me for what I think the rest of my life. No holding back. Nothing wrong with that.
A lot has changed. My life is different. So much of what I know today, I didn’t know a thing or ten about a year ago. Which means my practice will change too. It already is, starting now.
How I work and serve will change. I’m not entirely sure what any of that means, but all I know is I feel completely confident to get back at it. I miss it. It’s part of who I am. My identity. My contribution to society and my family.
The practice I started back in 2013 was my baby. I gave it all of me just as I am doing now with my daughter. But like any mother knows, you never turn your back on your baby, so here I am, ready to figure out how to make my practice fit my new life.
Despite missing my sacred coffee mornings in order to be the best most present mama I can be, I wouldn’t change a thing.
As I move forward; what I am hoping to change is the balance between being a mama, a wife, a homemaker, serving other women, practicing self care, quiet time, and yes – coffee.
Incase you need a little bit of help figuring your shit out too,
well – I am back!
And so fucking happy to be!!
Get at me here!
Thank you for reading.
All my heart,
-Mama Lisa Grows, CHHC, AADP, RP II